kludging | OPEN RP POST.

She remembers the feel of his arm around her shoulder as she hid her tears into the side of his neck. Crying felt foreign to Uhura in that moment, something almost shameful, but it was less about the fact she was crying and more about the reason why. Her captain... no, their captain was dead and his murderer was on the run. It broke them all, shattered their little family into a million pieces. Even the stoic and rational Spock broke down in a way Uhura hasn't seen since the destruction of his home.

It's too much for her to take hours and days later and soon she finds herself with a bottle of Saurian Brandy in one hand and knocking lightly on Scotty's cabin door with the other. Uhura wouldn't mind having him to lean on again.

Edited 2016-08-27 20:16 (UTC)

The memory still feels bitter and sharp in his mind, clawing at the edges and wearing him down. It was still unfamiliar, the hollowness and the thought of Jim's gone. It's not how things are supposed to go. What else could he possibly have done? Ignored the fact that other people were hurting so that he could nurse his own? No, even without their leader they need to stick together. Knit together tightly even if they only thing holding them together in the wake is their own shattered ruin.

The waiting game now is only marginally better and they're all still reeling. Scotty isn't expecting company - he never really is, getting most of his socializing done while he's out and working. It helps, keeping busy. So the knock draws him to his feet, brow furrowing slightly. However, when the door slides open, his expression smooths immediately. He's still marginally confused, but all the same: "Lieutenant Uhura." He says it quiet, a little more formal than he might've otherwise. They're all still hurting, anyway.

It's a memory that sticks like a knife in the brain, twisted when it's least expected, in the middle of the first shift on the bridge or when she's doing the after-hours reports. Uhura finds her tongue, that nimble and well educated muscle of hers, tangling tightly whenever she must say Kirk's name. Even his title falters in her mouth. Things are too fresh and too raw to go on like before.

Uhura checked the Engineering Department for Scotty, just in case he was still down there with Keenser tinkering with something off hours. Part of her was surprised not to find him down there, distracting himself with glowing panels and screws. The other part of her found comfort in the idea that not even Scotty can work normally without Kirk around. A space too empty to ignore.

His accent is smooth yet aching to her ears. In all the times she's come to enjoy how he forms his words, that musical way cannot transforms into cannae, this is one time she dislikes how her name sounds in his mouth. The pain is palpable and rings sour.

"Mr. Scott," Uhura replies just as formally, something less than a forced half smile playing at her lips. "I found some Saurian Brandy in the storage unit." A raise of the bottle has the liquid sloshing around in its horn shaped container. "I can't drink this alone."

She can't drink it with Spock either. There's too many illogical emotions burning through her right now. She's too human to go looking for comfort in him.

Sometimes it feels like a short-circuit like his brain is trying to reset into a reality where none of this happened. A part of him blames himself for leaving even on the firm principles he'd stood on, because he'd been wrong. The rest of him knows that without being able to get what intel he could, things would be even worse. If they could possibly be. He's a man of two minds these days and he doesn't like it.

Ah. A drink. He manages something of a half-smile of his own, actually bordering on characteristically crooked for that split-second. It's an attempt. "Far be it from me to turn down an offer like that." It's still quiet but there's a play at trying to lighten the mood before he moves aside to let her in. Normally he would suggest they head to one of the lounges, but right now he understands the need for solitude. Many members of the crew don't need to see their officers picking up the pieces.

His cabin is clean but cluttered in that engineering way that's evidence that even though he was holed up here, he can't ever really shut his brain off. Things he's been tinkering with litter the table and he moves to clear it, tucking things away with a practiced efficiency.

Uhura is one of the crewmates he respects the most, and that's saying a lot.

There's enough blame for all to have a piece of it. Some say maybe they should have been there, maybe they shouldn't have been there. Others will wonder what if they didn't do this or did that. In the end, none of it matters. Kirk did what he had to do on his own choice. None of them could have stopped the most stubborn man this side of the galaxy. He did it to save his crew. Without him, Uhura and Scotty wouldn't be here to grieve.

His attempt is appreciated, though it doesn't do much of anything at the moment. Still, Uhura lets her smile grow a little, stepping inside his room. It's certainly an example of controlled chaos, much more cluttered than her own, but Uhura doesn't mind one bit. After all, she roomed with Gaila in the Academy. That cabin was a disaster zone compared to this.

The respect is mutual, maybe extended towards him more than the others. What he did meant more than Scotty could ever know. Uhura doesn't know the right words to tell him. Instead, she sets the bottle down on the cleared table and glances around for anything she can use as drinkware.

"I didn't bring any cups," she admits with just a touch of guilt, but brushed off with a grin. "I don't expect you to have any in here under the bed or something, would you?"

He shouldn't have had to. None of it should have happened at all. (Should have gone instead of him.) Perhaps the blame really does belong with the actual cause in the first place. Still, that does little to assuage anyone's internal guilt. Perhaps the guilt will do them good eventually. For now it just drags its claws through their grief and they'll have to weather it like they do everything else.

The controlled chaos suits him and he's still putting a couple of things away when she asks about glasses and he can't help but look over his shoulder at her, brows lofting. "Lieutenant, if you think I have glasses under my bunk, you're sorely mistaken," he scoffs, before turning back and opening one of the cabinets so that he can pluck out a couple of glasses - there's a nearly-empty bottle of scotch in there too, but since he's sober now it's unclear when he went through it.

Probably recently.

He shuts the door again with a snap, setting the glasses on the table. "They deserve a bit more pomp and circumstance than under there, don't you think?" It's clear enough that his attempts at levity are trying to keep her mind off of darker things, and that he knows his attempts are transparent but he's still trying. They have to take care of each other.

"Considering that stolen property is about to go in them, I'll go out on a limb and say yeah." If he thinks she hasn't actually seen glasses (and plates, and bowls, and spoons and leftover whatever the replicator spit out today) under beds before, he's the one mistaken.

The bottle in the cabinet catches her eye, but she doesn't act like she sees it. Uhura shifts her eyes elsewhere, down to her hands maybe, something other than solid proof of how Scotty has chosen to deal. Not that she could say much to him about it even if she wanted to. She's the one who came knocking with another bottle in hand.

Leaning her backside against the edge of his table, Uhura pours Scotty two fingerfuls of brandy and then matches the level for her own portion. The bottle hits the solid surface with a soft thunk and she raises her glass to eye level. The moment seems like she's inspecting the cup to make sure it's clean, but then she sighs after deciding that the elephant in the room has grown too big to continue ignoring.

"To the Captain," she murmurs, holding her glass out for a toast.

Other people can have things under the bed, but Scotty keeps things in cabinets when they're not strewn across his work surface. At least lately. He doesn't even let on that the bottle stowed away is something to notice but inwardly he appreciates that she doesn't comment on it. It's just. It's been a lot.

He watches Uhura pour, arms crossed over his chest briefly before he reaches out to take his glass. There's a moment where his brows loft over what appears to be inspection but then he pauses and exhales slow. He'd known it was coming sometime but he still feels like the air's been taken out of him all at once. They all know there are risks in their line of work. They've always had losses, but no one ever believed they would lose him.

He nods, straightening up a little as he lifts his own glass to tap the rim against hers lightly. "To the best damn Captain in Starfleet." And he means it.

The crew isn't like normal people. They're up here amongst the stars and planets and unknown zones for years at a time. The people they're assigned to command and work beside quickly become family. That's what the people on the bridge are to her. Her second family full of quirky personalities and complete misfits. Uhura loves each and every one of them, but she finds Scotty sticks out the most. Maybe because he isn't on the bridge with her day in and day out and that means that when she does see him, it's something to be appreciated. Maybe it's because without him, the ship's no good and her job is futile.

"The best damn Captain in Starfleet who I once said had sex with farm animals," she says with a laugh that can't be helped. Who would have though the barroom hick would have went and made something of himself, into someone she respected greatly rather than immediately roll her eyes at? Granted, it seems like Dr. McCoy now rolls his eyes enough for them all, but the fact of the matter is that now no one has an object of familiar ire anymore.

It really is like losing family. Like losing a brother. Scotty would do anything to protect any one of his family, and recent events have just cemented that in his mind. Uhura is someone to respect and look after - even though she can look after herself. That isn't the point; the point is that she always manages to make him feel more like belonging even though he spends the majority of his time down in engineering. He's part of the bridge family even though he's not on the bridge. It's not something someone can forget easily.

What she says makes him bark out a laugh of his own, unbidden, and though he doesn't feel better there's something familiar in this. "I can drink to that." And he does, taking a long slow drink like it can wash away some of the hurt they're both feeling. Maybe it can, at least for a little while. Sometimes a little while is all you get.

There's a companionable silence like this, and he appreciates it.

The laughs are bittersweet, the kind a person does in order not to cry. They've done so much crying, maybe too much. Tears won't bring him back. They won't reserve time and bring back all those they've lost. All they can do is mark down the hole left in their hearts, holes that can't be filled with drink.

But they'll try anyway, at least she will. Another gulp and her glass is empty, ready to be filled again.

"How have you been doing?" Uhura asks the question in searching manner, the tone of her voice declaring that 'I'm fine' is not an acceptable answer. She wants to know how Scotty is really doing. If he's having nightmares of watching Kirk die, of the ship crashing and no one surviving, the kind of things Uhura suffers in her sleep.

It will help temporarily like it always does and then they'll be back to square one. Square one doesn't matter in the moment though, when they can fill cold chasms with artificial warmth. He downs the rest of his glass and then it's Scotty that pours their second drinks, though he doesn't go for his just yet because she's speaking.

He has to catalog his thoughts about it because he's not sure how he's been doing. There's a pause before he speaks, honestly. "I don't know. As well as can be expected. I don't sleep well so I haven't been sleeping much at all. Work's kept me busy most nights."

So yes, nightmares. The silence draws on a split-second before he adds, "And you? How have you been doing?" He feels like he already knows, but they need to get it out. Both of them.

Uhura rubs at her eye with her fingertips, smudging her carefully winged eyeliner and considering multiple ways of answering. Scotty's lucky in that he's down in the belly of the ship instead of the bridge where Uhura has to witness the chair being empty or nowadays, turning around to call out to Kirk and instead finding the interim captain who is definitely not the person she keeps looking for.

"I..." Words fail her. All she knows is that it hurts, physically even, and sleep eludes her so well. "It's hard. I'm not sleeping either. Nobody on the bridge ever wants to say anything. He's gone. We all know it, but none of us want to say it out loud and make it real. We keep losing people, but I never thought he'd be one of them."

Kirk's death hit them all hard, though some in other ways. As much as she truly loves Spock, the fact is that the emotional fallout slid right between them and built a wall between them. There were nights Uhura needed to talk, needed to feel something other than the heaviness, but Spock just couldn't provide. It just wasn't in his nature. There's no blame from Uhura on him, though. She knew what she was getting into when they started dating, but now, it's no longer enough.

Death comes in various ways, after all.

"I just try to be the best officer he would have wanted. That's all I can do now," Uhura says, more into her glass than to Scotty.

He hates seeing her like this. He hates seeing any of them like this but she's right here, in his line of vision, being in pain. Somehow it really is safer down in Engineering where he can lose himself in his work and blank out and not think about anything at all except the inevitable. Hearing another captain's voice over the comms is enough to wear on him in and of itself. They've been given leeway for mourning but he's not sure how long they'll be allowed it before they're expected to pretend like everything is normal.

"None of us thought he'd be one of them. Not a one." Scotty's voice has taken on that soft quality again even though it's so uncharacteristic in contrast to his usual boisterous personality. He takes a slow drink, contemplative. "None of us wants to accept the truth either, but there isn't anything else we can do now."

He breathes out slow, looking over at her again. "You've always been," he says, though he knows it wasn't so much to him as to herself. "Ever since I've met you, you haven't been anything but. Me, I went from some poor bastard in a frozen outpost to where I am now. He's brought out the best in all of us."

You can't put grief on a schedule. No matter how much they want to mark their calendars as this being the last day they'll ever cry for a lost crewmate, it just doesn't work. She's seen some of the non-commissioned officers slack off, ignoring their work at hand to stare off into space. Others snap and lash out, not knowing how to direct the maelstrom of emotions into something much more productive.

For Uhura, her method is to keep her head down and ears open, monitoring every frequency that passed by during the work hours just to come back to her empty cabin and drink through the ache. It worked for a while, until now where she's sharing her alcohol with Scotty instead of ruining her liver alone.

She shakes her head just before she moves off the table to sit at the foot of Scotty's bed. "You're our favorite poor bastard from a frozen outpost. Without you, a lot more of us wouldn't be here."

It only now occurs to her that no one's probably thanked Scotty properly for his work. Things always seem to be crashing and exploding that little sentiments like slip through the cracks. That's not good enough.

"Thank you, by the way. For saving our asses time and time again."

At least with the filler crew some things still get done. Scotty's had to stop a few tiffs between those of the crew that would rather lash out than anything else - he's willing to do it and usually they do better for the stern pep talk he gives them even though they know he's borderline himself.

And now they're here in it together like they've always been, just on a more immediate basis. He finishes off his drink as Uhura moves, only looking over at her once she speaks again. His brow furrows again and he shakes his head, managing a little smile almost despite himself. Normally he'd crack some joke about everyone needing him desperately, but it's not the time.

"You don't need to thank me." Easily, and he sounds a little more natural for it. "You're my family and if I'm not doing my best for everyone, what good am I doing here? Might as well drop myself off back in the snow."

He's trying to bring levity again, but he means it. "There's not a one of us that hasn't done just as much, if not more. So thank you, too." He finally sits in the seat by the table, facing the bed so that he can face her. "All our asses need saving sometime."

"I don't need to, but I want to." Her voice is stern and demanding, that no bullshit tone that dares Scotty to argue her down. It's not sure a rare side of Uhura to be seen, but it's certainly the first time she's ever directed it to him. If he is smart, he'd best not test her.

"Just because we're family doesn't mean you shouldn't be recognized for what you do. I'm here because of you. I know how to appreciate the good things in my life," Uhura continues just before sipping at her drink. The alcohol feels warm in her belly now, smoothing out all the rough edges she walked in here with. She's closer to buzzed than drunk, but still clear-headed enough to know exactly how to make her words hit home.

Speaking of what to say, she nods at his gratitude, taking it in stride unlike him. "You're welcome, Scotty." Scotty, not Mr. Scott. Uhura knows what nicknames mean on a ship like this. She isn't using his lightly.

That. That is what finally draws a true laugh from him even though it's a quiet one. He knows better than to argue. He puts up his hands in a disarming gesture even while still holding his glass, and he smiles easy for what feels like the first time in weeks instead of days. "Yes ma'am. I'll accept any further thanks as intended."

His posture gentles though and he nods, genuinely accepting it as he'd said. "I'm happy to be a good thing in your life, you know. You've been a good thing in mine too."

He's only barely feeling the brandy but what she says last sticks with him and he stops still, looking slowly at her, searching. The weight of nicknames is heavy on him. He heaves a quiet sigh, but a comfortable one. "I'm glad to be here. Always have been. Lucky."

A quiet laugh is much more preferable than none at all. His accent doesn't sound sour to her in this form. It sounds like... home. Something she can wrap herself up in on a cold night and rest her head against. Soft and musical, with just a hint of playfulness when he lets that shine through. The true Montgomery Scott.

Her glass still has a few swallows left in it, but Uhura rises to her feet anyway and sets it back down on the table. The movement has an additional purpose of putting her closer to Scotty where she can reach out and trail a finger against his jawline. An unexpected move on her part, certain to blindside him, but she's a woman with functioning eyes. At this distance, she can see that Scotty is a very handsome man. His face is wasted in the ship's basements.

She should probably say something, but the silence between them is comfortable and really, this is one moment where the chief communications officer feels actions speak louder than words.

Sometimes he wishes he could tell what she's thinking. This is definitely one of those times - maybe then he wouldn't have startled a little at the touch, eyes widening briefly. He has to look up at Uhura like this, seated while she's standing, but he can't find it in himself to mind it.

He really does feel blindsided though, gaze searching again because surely he's read that cue wrong. She's her, and he's ... him. (The thought of himself in comparison to Spock is almost laughable. But maybe it isn't about that.) He doesn't say anything either even though his expression shifts. Just a little, just enough.

He sets his own glass down - empty - before he reaches out to cautiously take her hand in his. He doesn't do anything else with it, because really that's not his place, but it's something small and grounding.

There's a flash of guilt in her eyes when she feels him startle. She never intended on scaring him, possibly feeding into a post trauma reaction. But once Uhura realizes he isn't pushing her away, the feeling fades and is replaced with something closer to curiosity. Curious to see if he'll accept her in the way she's seeking, trying to find comfort and maybe love in someone with the ability to return the favor.

Scotty isn't reading her wrong. Not one bit. Uhura is deliberately making her wordless message loud and clear and here in this room with only the two of them, she doesn't see a need to bring in any holograms to make Scotty understand that yes, she is attracted to him and not just because she has a few drinks in her. Comparing him to Spock is a useless endeavor. Spock was a major part of her life, but things have changed and they had a mutual agreement that what they had was no longer good for either of them. He's still very special to her, but he doesn't have a title attached to him anymore.

While he doesn't do anything else with her hand, Uhura won't rest on her laurels, bringing it up to her cheek first and then her lips, pressing them against the tips of his fingers. Every movement is slow and intentional, giving him a chance to see where she's going with it or, if he wishes, to tell her to stop.

It isn't even so much that it scares him as it is he just doesn't expect it. He feels quiet and strange in the wake of it anyway, and all he can do for a long stretch is watch her like he's not quite sure this is actually happening. It seems like it is. He's not that far gone.

His fingers flex slightly when she brings his hand to her cheek so as to encourage the touch that way, brushing over her skin almost experimentally. He can't exactly help but compare himself in this case but it's a fleeting thought somehow. Doubly so when she moves his hand again and instead of startling, he's oddly still.

It's not a matter of wanting to tell her to stop, or even to tell her that she could have literally anyone else because he knows how those arguments go. He doesn't know what he wants to say and he just watches her before he finally speaks, quiet. "Why?" It sounds stupid in his head before he even says it, but that's hardly stopped him before. It also doesn't stop the pang of regret after saying it, but what's done is done.

Maybe it's bad timing considering how recent events are turning out. At the same time, life is short. She wasn't even out of the Academy when she watched a good number of her classmates die. If there's anything to remind a person that they need to grab onto what's right in front of them before it's too late is practically dying a fair number of times.

His body language isn't closed off, but it's not giving her much of a clue into what he's thinking, though Uhura can guess pretty well anyway. He's probably wondering if she's too far gone on the brandy, if her breakup with Spock has sent her into a downward spiral and she's looking for a rebound. Neither one of those are the case here. Can't a woman just want what she wants without having an outside reason?

Her brows furrows when that single word flies out his mouth and she pulls back just a little. "Why what?"

He knows he screwed up as soon as her expression changes. It was stupid to say and it would be more stupid to trip all over himself trying to explain something he can't actually quantify. He's not even sure what he was trying to ask because the possible answers were all right there in front of him.

He doesn't say anything at first - there's a brief moment where he's quiet but he's not trying to be petulant. He shakes his head and squeezes her hand but doesn't try to move it otherwise.

"Sorry, I don't even know how to answer that." It's slow and measured so he's clearly thinking about his answer and doesn't want it to come across the wrong way. "I think it's just everything still feels surreal lately and it took me a moment." It's the most he's said in a while, but it makes sense. He hadn't intended to ruin the moment and that's clear - his shoulders hunch once but then relax. "You know I can be pretty idiotic for an Engineer."

(When he does move again it's to lift her hand and kiss the back of it, staying that way a moment instead of leaving it oddly stilted or too closed off. Then he lowers it again, looking up at her.)

Uhura is not the kind of woman who questions her worth in the eyes of a man, but that moment of silence does leave her wondering if her assumption that Scotty was a free man in the department of relationships was incorrect or if he even had an interest in women.

But when he starts speaking again, the words between the lines are clear now. Why meant why him? After Spock, why the older guy with the funny accent down in Engineering who hangs out with the short little alien who climbs everything? The answer to that question is because Uhura said so. She doesn't need to defend her desires to no one but herself and the other party.

He's forgiven for his misstep and as a sign of this, Uhura moves back in, putting her face closer to his, with a playful smile on her face. Her free hand braces against the arm of the chair, steadying her as her voice drops in volume as if she's about to tell him the galaxy's biggest secret.

"Scotty, do you know what they taught me in my xenolinguistics courses and what they didn't teach you in your engineering ones?"

Far be it from Scotty to continue to question a woman's intentions: she's made it clear enough where she stands, and he's perfectly willing to accept it even if he does think it makes her crazy in that mildly self-depreciating way. Crazy suits him just fine anyway.

He seems to be settling into the idea more easily now that he knows his misstep hasn't ruined anything before it started: the way he's sitting in the chair has relaxed and he looks comfortable, which says a lot especially with the way she's leaned closer into his personal space with a presence he couldn't possibly ignore even if he'd been crazy enough to want to.

It also says a lot that instead of his eyes widening this time his brows loft as he smiles right back at her, something again characteristic and a little lopsided. Fond, anyway. "I have a feeling," he drawls out quietly, "that you're not about to tell me the fact you know far more languages than I do." It's easy but not quite teasing: he's making a point to show he's gotten past that venture into ... whatever that was. No, his attention is all on her.

Short of another invasion from the Romulans, nothing's going to ruin this moment Uhura's set her mind on. Call her crazy, that's fine. Which one of the crew is even close to sanity at this point anyway?

His feeling is correct, by the way. Only he should have gotten a bit more specific, because Uhura has A Plan and she's going to see it through in five minutes come hell or high water. There's enough of that firewater inside her to fuel her bravery, as if she needed it anyway.

"They taught me when to shut up," she nods and because she knows so very well that this idiotic engineer will have something to say in response, Uhura decides her best bet of getting her point across is to kiss him. Which she does. Quickly. Full mouth and determined to knock Scotty right off his feet.

Far be it from Scotty to interrupt a lady's plans, either. Uhura is right in assuming he would have had some kind of retort to her claim, being him, so it's probably for the best that she makes sure he can't. His eyebrows are actually still raised when she kisses him and it's a good thing he's already seated because he doesn't have to deal with the possibility of literally being knocked off his feet.

There's no hesitation in it when he kisses her back, still not minding the height disparity like this as he has to tip his head back slightly to accommodate her - one hand moves up to cradle the back of her neck lightly - it's not demanding in any way but it is grounding, keeping him focused.

Even when he eventually pulls back with a little grin, he doesn't say anything, just looks at her, quiet and easy. Message received, apparently.

The height will become a problem if they continue on like so, but for right now, it's a small issue that Uhura is ignoring in light of Scotty responding positively to her. When he pulls back, she can't help but follow a bit, wanting more of his mouth. Apparently Uhura gets a little greedy. Who've thoght that?

But it's still all very good once she looks down at him and he's grinning like the ancient proverbial cat who caught the canary and all it does is confirm that she's made the right choice tonight. Many people might not look at Scotty as someone to behold outside of Engineering, but Uhura always did and will continue to do so as long as he sticks around.

(And stays alive.)

"Your neck will start hurting in a minute like this," Uhura murmurs before leaning in to press her lips against his again. If he wants to move with her like she is shifting to do, maybe to sit on the bed or level ground, she'll reward him nicely. Probably in a nicer way that anybody's rewarded him in his life, much less on this ship.

OPEN RP POST.

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